Tag Archives: health

The Humane Hoax

The Humane Hoax: Animal Industry’s Labels and Lies

By Hope Bohanec, author and activist, Oregon

As consumers become aware of the animal agriculture industry’s cruelty and environmental impact, clever industry marketers adapt with “humane” labels, small-scale tall tales, and other feel-good falsehoods. The term “humane hoax” is defined as new language and labels in animal product marketing that convey a false narrative of humane treatment and sustainable management of farmed animal operations. The marketing language and euphemistic labels tell a story of a supposed distinction from conventional animal products. But the reality on the ground, in the manure pits, during the mechanical milking, and inside the terrifying slaughterhouse, is fundamentally unchanged, despite promises to consumers of something new. Humanewashing and greenwashing are becoming more prevalent and pervasive than ever.

Also encompassed in the concept of the humane hoax is the new trend of people attempting to “do-it-yourself” with backyard farmed animal raising and slaughtering, generally with good intentions, but all too often, with cruel consequences. It has never been more important to educate people on the truth behind the industry lies, and people are hungry for the truth.

Overview:

In the time since I wrote the first book on the subject of the humane hoax, called The Ultimate Betrayal: Is There Happy Meat?, consumer awareness of the suffering of farmed animals has grown exponentially and so has the “alternative” animal product industry. “Cage-free,” “Certified Humane,” and other comforting labels are no longer elusive—dusty items only seen in the back corners of health food stores. They are now as common and numerous as cattle on a feedlot, spotted in common places like Walmart and your local coffee shop. In 2010, eggs labeled cage-free were a mere four percent of the market; that had risen to sixteen percent by 2017. The industry predicts that to meet consumer demand, cage-free production will be seventy-five percent of the market by 2026.

It is a hopeful sign that consumers are demanding better treatment for animals, but the actual difference in the life and death experience for a cow or a chicken with humane labeling is sadly minimal. I have done extensive research on this issue, interviewed numerous stakeholders, and personally visited multiple animal operations, and concluded that these unregulated labels mean very little, if anything at all, for the animal’s experience. I have examined this particular area of farmed animal advocacy, having written the first, and one of the only books on the topic, and having been professionally involved in the field for over two decades. I found, for example, that comparing hens confined in battery cages to those in cage-free barns bodes only slight improvements and those differences can vary widely from farm to farm.

Animal activists have time and again exposed the horrors of egg-laying hens crammed tightly in battery cages, with only the space comparable to a crowded elevator to live in. In response, the shrewd marketers representing the egg industry have distorted the story, altered the labels, and changed consumers’ conceptions. Instead of rejecting the inherent cruelty of commercial egg production, shoppers have been deceived by the fictitious choice of a seemingly “humane” alternative of “cage-free”—but the reality for the birds, however, is bleak.

The difference in the experience of a bird in a conventionally managed operation versus a cage-free one is negligible. Despite the optimistic label, most chickens in cage-free egg facilities still live in miserable overcrowded conditions in massive windowless buildings. Their eyes and throats burn from the ammonia gas released from their accumulated waste. They never feel the sun on their wings or experience a simple satisfying dust bath. Irrespective of any label, all the chickens still go to a brutal slaughter at a very young age. We must not let the deception of “new” marketing eclipse the fundamental cruelty of animal agriculture. The perception invoked by the “cage-free” label—that the birds are now living a good life—is a decidedly false one, a mirage created by the interaction of euphemisms and consumer hopes in the absence of accurate information.

As animal agribusiness attempts to wash the blood off its hands with a new fabrication of fresh farming methods, consumers, activists, and other caring people must educate themselves about the new narratives that the industry continues to weave. This anthology features a range of knowledgeable authors who are at the forefront of this marketing shift, chronicling every aspect with in-depth analyses and intellectual rigor. Among other topics, the book explores how so-called alternative animal agriculture intersects with feminism, affects the environment, is represented in the media, and impacts human and non-human communities alike.

On Contributors to the Anthology:

This anthology has an impressive list of contributing writers who are a diverse assortment of activists, academics, authors, and campaigners. They range from radical protesters to educating advocates to professional scholars in the academy. Of the seventeen expert contributors, eight are published authors, five leaders of advocacy organizations, eight have Ph.D. degrees, and three have masters. What they all share is a forward-thinking vision and common concerns with animal agriculture’s marketing shift from big to small, from industrial to local.

The Humane Hoax contains essays by noted animal rights and environmentalism figures like Carol Adams, Robert Grillo, Sailesh Rao, Karen Davis, and Christopher “Soul” Eubanks. Some of the contributors have done extensive peer-reviewed research on the subject while others have been working with farmed animal advocacy for decades thinking deeply about this issue. Still others are rescuing farmed animals directly from local and small-scale farms, witnessing first-hand the undeniable suffering that is commonplace in animal farming.

The Humane Hoax: Essays Exposing the Myth of Happy Meat, Humane Dairy, and Ethical Eggs; edited by Hope Bohanec. The book is available as a paperback and also as an e-book from Lantern Publishing & Media; lanternpm.org.

The Silent Conversation Between You and Your Bones

The Silent Conversation Between You and Your Bones

Every Impact Is a Message: Stay Alive, Stay Strong, Stay in Motion

 By Thom Hartmann, Wisdom School

As Louise and I have aged (our 54th wedding anniversary is in two weeks), we’ve noticed that one of the biggest challenges is keeping our posture straight and our bones from getting brittle. There’s science behind this challenge, and it gives us all suggestions for “keeping young.” 

Bone is one of the few tissues in the human body that remains alive and dynamic from birth to death. It’s not the rigid, inert structure most people imagine when they think of skeletons. In fact, it’s constantly growing, dying, dissolving, and rebuilding itself through a delicate dance between two main kinds of cells—osteoblasts and osteoclasts. 

This balance is what keeps us upright, protects our organs, and allows our muscles to move us through life. But as we get older, the harmony between building and breaking begins to shift, and the results can be devastating. Understanding how that process happens—and how we might slow or reverse it—is one of the quiet frontiers of aging science.

Bone is built primarily by osteoblasts, the construction workers of our skeleton. They take raw materials—calcium, phosphate, and collagen—and create new bone matrix. This matrix starts out soft, like scaffolding, then mineralizes into the hard tissue we recognize as bone. Opposing them are osteoclasts, which act more like demolition crews. They dissolve old or damaged bone so it can be replaced. 

In a healthy adult, these two systems are in balance: every bit of bone that’s broken down is replaced by new bone. But that balance depends on a complex interplay of hormones, mechanical stress, and nutrients that becomes harder to maintain with age.

When we’re young, our bodies prioritize growth and repair. Hormones like growth hormone, estrogen, and testosterone all signal bone-building cells to stay active and reproduce. Even the act of moving—walking, climbing stairs, carrying groceries—tells our bones to stay strong. 

Osteoblasts thrive on impact; they literally sense mechanical stress and respond by building more bone where it’s needed. That’s why astronauts lose bone density in zero gravity and bedridden patients lose it quickly in immobilized limbs. Bones are designed for stress. They grow from it, adapt to it, and depend on it.

But aging quietly changes the equation. By the time most people reach their 40s or 50s, osteoblasts start slowing down while osteoclasts keep right on working. Estrogen and testosterone, which protect against bone loss, begin to drop. In women, the sharp decline in estrogen during menopause often leads to an acceleration of bone loss so dramatic it can reach one to two percent per year. 

The result is a net thinning of the bones that can culminate in osteopenia or osteoporosis. What’s more, osteoblasts themselves become less responsive to mechanical stress and less efficient at mineralizing new bone, while their numbers dwindle with each passing decade.

Yet, there’s another layer to this story that is both hopeful and cautionary. Bone cells are not fixed in number; they arise from progenitor cells—stem-like precursors in the bone marrow and periosteum (the thin tissue surrounding bones). These progenitor cells can, under the right conditions, become new osteoblasts. 

Exercise, especially high-impact weight-bearing exercise, stimulates their differentiation. Nutrients like vitamin D, calcium, and magnesium fuel the process. Even exposure to sunlight, through its effect on vitamin D synthesis, plays a critical role in signaling these cells to mature. In a very real sense, every step we take outdoors in the sunshine is a small act of bone regeneration.

On the other hand, disuse and a sedentary lifestyle send the opposite message. When bones aren’t stressed, the progenitor cells shift toward becoming fat cells instead of bone cells, and osteoclasts take over the stage. 

This explains why modern sedentary living, coupled with diets low in essential minerals, has created an epidemic of bone fragility even among people who think of themselves as healthy. 

It also explains why impact—whether from walking, jumping, or resistance training—isn’t just good for muscle tone; it’s a direct message to your bones to stay alive.

There’s a growing body of research exploring how bone regeneration might be enhanced as we age. Some of it focuses on pharmacological ways to stimulate osteoblast activity or block osteoclast overactivity, like the bisphosphonate drugs or parathyroid hormone analogs now used for osteoporosis. Others look at stem cell therapies that could replenish the aging pool of bone-forming cells. 

But many of the most effective tools we already possess are natural. Regular resistance training, adequate protein intake, and maintaining proper levels of vitamin D and K2 can have profound effects on bone density. The simple act of impact—bones striking the ground, muscles tugging on tendons, joints bearing weight—remains the single most powerful way to keep bones young.

The idea that bone “knows” when it’s being used and responds accordingly is one of nature’s most elegant feedback loops. It means that our skeleton is not a fixed thing but a living organ that senses and adapts to our behavior. 

When we stop moving, bones interpret it as a signal that they’re no longer needed and begin to fade away. When we challenge them, they thicken, harden, and renew themselves. Even in old age, this feedback loop can be reawakened, though the gains are slower and more fragile than in youth.

In the larger metaphor of life, bone regeneration is a quiet but powerful reminder of resilience. Every day, millions of microscopic breaks form in our skeleton, and every day they are healed. It’s a never-ending cycle of destruction and renewal that mirrors our emotional and spiritual lives. The same principle applies: stress and impact, handled well, make us stronger. Avoiding stress entirely—physical or emotional—leads to a kind of decay. Growth comes from the right kind of pressure.

So while supplements and science continue to explore the biochemical angles of bone regeneration, the most profound lesson may be a behavioral one. Move every day. Load your bones. Walk, climb, stretch, lift, push. 

Feel the impact of your feet on the ground, because your bones are listening. They respond to every signal of life you send them, even late into old age. They want to grow. They’re built to grow. But they require our participation—the literal weight of our will—to keep doing it. 

In the end, strong bones are not just the foundation of our physical structure but the embodiment of our relationship with gravity, effort, and resilience itself.

—Thom Hartmann, educator and commentator, is the author of many respected books. Reprinted with permission. To receive new posts you can become a free or paid subscriber of this reader-supported digital publication, The Wisdom School: What it Means to be Human, where all articles are free and available to everyone. Copyright: Thom Hartmann, 2025.

 

 

Scrambled Lessons

Scrambled Lessons

By Yimeng (Nicole) Wang Yu, age 17, P. R. China

I have an estranged relationship with eggs. We aren’t completely cut off from each other—we still cross paths on occasion—but our encounters are awkward, fleeting, and never quite right. At most, I’m allowed to see them once every couple of weeks, and when I do, they always insist on showing up in some strange outfit. Sometimes they’re draped in a heavy coat of soy sauce, other times they’re wrapped in a knitted avocado-green sweater of their own making, smugly nestled against toast. But bare? Never. On the rare occasions they appear unadorned, it feels less like a gift and more like a threat. My stomach churns, my throat tightens, and my face knots itself into lines I don’t consciously form. I try to be polite, because it isn’t every day I get to share a meal with eggs, but honestly—they make me deeply uncomfortable.

And yet, as repulsed as I am now, I’ve probably consumed entire dynasties of chickens in the form of eggs over the past sixteen years. I grew up in a household where protein was fuel, and eggs were regarded as the most reliable gas station. My parents, convinced that my athleticism required a steady supply of scrambled yellow, believed they were doing me a favor. So, for sixteen years, they placed eggs before me every morning. Scrambled, boiled, fried, buried in fried rice, floating in soup—eggs became the guest at all of my meals. 

For years, I wished this unwelcome visitor would finally excuse itself from my breakfasts. I told my parents that eggs made my stomach feel as if it were gnawing on itself from within. My complaints, however, were dismissed as excuses and childish exaggerations. “You’ll get used to it,” my mom would say. “It’s good for you,” my dad would add. And so I swallowed my objections along with the eggs, because, after all, parents must know best. Didn’t they always?

Until last year.

After a lifetime of groans, gags, and grimaces, my mom finally relented and scheduled a food intolerance test. We waited one long week. When the results arrived, it felt as though the SAT scores of my digestive system had been released. My mom and I huddled around the phone, tense with anticipation. Then the screen flashed with numbers, and chaos erupted. There was screaming, crying (mostly mine), leaping, refreshing the page again and again as if the result might shift if stared long enough. The report confirmed what my body had been insisting all along: I was intolerant to eggs. Not just mildly intolerant, either—I had obliterated the intolerance scale. The threshold for high sensitivity was 200. I scored 900. Four and a half times the limit. Eggs and I weren’t simply mismatched; we were sworn enemies, cosmically opposed.

In that moment, years of swallowed frustration finally poured out of me. My intuition had been right, and science had finally corroborated it. Turns out I wasn’t a dramatic complainer. At last, my mom believed me. I was vindicated.

But looking back, I realize those mornings of forced eggs were not acts of cruelty but of love—misguided, perhaps, but love nonetheless. My parents weren’t trying to torture me; they were trying to keep me healthy in the way they knew best. Only now, with hindsight, can I see how much care went into those breakfasts. At the time, I couldn’t imagine it. I just assumed that because my parents insisted, they must be right, and because I was a child, I must be wrong.

It reminds me of the way I thought about growing up in general. As a child, I carried this foreign but persistent belief that everything would improve as I got older. I thought the world itself would change with me—that kindness and fairness were waiting just beyond the next birthday. My greatest problem then was the cafeteria bully, and even that seemed temporary, destined to dissolve once we were all old enough to know better. In my imagination, adulthood was a yet-to-be-discovered place where everyone made good decisions, where people were kinder, wiser, gentler—because they were grown.

Of course, the reality was never that simple. Growing older didn’t fix the world; it merely sharpened my vision to see it more clearly. Eggs did not suddenly stop making me sick when I turned sixteen—it took years of paying attention to myself, of insisting on what I felt, before anyone else would listen. Adulthood did not sanctify those around me—it simply gave me the ability to recognize their complexity, their contradictions, and, sometimes, their well-intentioned mistakes.

In that sense, perhaps I was not entirely wrong as a child. The world did get better—not because it grew kinder, but because I learned how to navigate it. I learned to trust my body when it screamed at me. I learned that being believed is not automatic, even by those who love you most, but that persistence matters. And I learned that the very things that cause you pain can, years later, soften into strangely tender memories.

So yes, eggs and I remain estranged. I avoid them, and I live a happier life because of it. But I can’t quite bring myself to hate eggs. They’re a part of my story, a relic of mornings at the kitchen table with my parents, who—despite their misplaced faith in scrambled yolks—were only ever trying to love me in the way they knew how. And maybe that’s what growing up really is: not escaping discomfort, but learning to hold it alongside love, until the bitterness—or the grossness—tastes almost sweet.

—Yimeng (Nicole) Wang Yu is a 17-year-old junior at Shanghai American School, P.R. China. She grew up in Spain and now lives in China, and she speaks, reads, and writes in English, Chinese, Spanish, and French. When she isn’t writing, she can be found on the basketball court, blasting music through her AirPods, or noticing the small, everyday details that might inspire her next piece—sometimes all at once.

Lifestyle Medicine—The Six Pillars of Health

Lifestyle Medicine—The Six Pillars of Health

By Dr. Charlie Ross, Oregon

One of the youngest specialties in medicine, Lifestyle Medicine, places emphasis on the root causes of our chronic illnesses.

The Six Pillars of Lifestyle Medicine are:

  1. What we eat
  2. How we move throughout the day
  3. The chemicals we choose to consume
  4. How we deal with stress
  5. How we sleep  
  6. Our social connections

Of all premature deaths, 40% are attributable to these three factors: tobacco use, poor diet, and alcohol consumption

  1. Tobacco Use: 18.1% (About one in seven people still smoke.)
  2. Poor diet and physical activity: 16.6% (About three out of four people eat too little fruits and vegetables, and about four out of five people do not get enough exercise.)
  3. Alcohol consumption: 2.5%

Let’s explore how to focus more attention on the root causes of what brings us health or what leads to disease.

  1. What We Eat:  Looking around the world (especially, in the Blue Zones, where people are the healthiest and live the longest) the evidence points to eating a more unprocessed whole plant food diet as the healthiest choice. The healthiest diets incorporate fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes, and some nuts and seeds. Fiber in the food that allows our good bacteria (in our microbiome) to produce chemicals like butyrate (which decreases inflammation) and serotonin (that reduces anxiety and depression).

Did you know that FIBER is only found in plant foods? There is no fiber in animal foods. So, increasing the amount of whole plant foods in your diet will add to your overall health. To help you understand better the food choices and how to get a variety of plant foods in your diet, you might want to download the free app “Dr. Greger’s Daily Dozen” on your smartphone. Or you might choose to do the free “21-day Vegan kickstart” program suggested by Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, PCRM. (Visit: www.pcrm.org).
The best evidence-based book is How Not To Die, by Michael Greger MD.

  1. How We Move Throughout the Day—or the lack of physical activity—is the fourth leading risk factor for global mortality. There are several types of exercises for us to consider:
    • Aerobic/endurance exercise (large muscles movement for sustained period)—lowers risk of all-cause mortality
    • Strength or resistance exercise—muscles contract against an external resistance—with the goal of increasing lean body mass and muscle strength and endurance
    • Flexibility exercise—range of motion that is possible at a joint
    • Balance exercises—static and/or dynamic exercises—decrease in falls and injuries like fractures

Any amount of activity is better than no activity. A physically active person engages in at least 150 minutes per week of moderate to vigorous physical activity. Moderate exercise elevates your heart rate but allows you to comfortably talk whereas vigorous exercise makes it difficult for you to speak more than a few words at a time due to increased breathing effort. Sitting for prolonged periods of time leads to lessening of life expectancy. Keep your sitting times no longer than 50 to 60 minutes without a five-minute movement break. An excellent resource book on the benefits of exercise is: Spark, by John Ratey MD.

  1. The Chemicals We Choose to Consume: Tobacco, alcohol, and street drugs continue to take a toll on our health. Prescription drugs, like opioids and side effects from other prescription drugs also exact a toll. Toxins from the not-regulated supplements and even plastic material (endocrine disruptors) found in foods like fish are potentially health damagers. The book Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us, by Michael Moss is a good read to help your understanding about why we choose what we choose.
  2. How We Deal with Stress: Stress can be helpful (if not overwhelming) or harmful. A stressor is a situation, circumstance, or stimulus that is perceived to be a threat. This threat alters homeostasis in the body.
    Categories of stressors: There are four types of streesors.

    Psychological: thoughts, beliefs, or perceptions;
    Physiological: illness, infection, disease, or hunger
    Social: major life changes, personal conflicts, or financial insecurity
    Bio-ecological: weather, pollution, food additives, or chemicals

  • Health effects of chronic stress: Impaired immune function, inflammation, decreased bone density, problems with memory, increased appetite, weight gain, abdominal fat deposition, insulin resistance, increased glucose, cholesterol, and triglycerides, increased blood clotting, Impaired wound healing, poor sleep, pain and fatigue, poor mood, adoption of less healthy habits, decreased longevity (telomere shortening), and etiology of many chronic diseases, including hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease.
  • How to Manage the Pathological Stress Response:
  • Breathing tools: Lengthening exhale breath, Abdominal breathing
  • Movement: Physical fitness, yoga, Tai chi, Qigong
  • Meditation
  • Connecting with Nature
  • Self-expression: Playing a musical instrument, singing, creating art, or dancing
  • Community Engagement: Volunteering for meaningful causes, quality time with family and friends, spiritual or religious activities
  • Reading self-help books and websites
  • Massage
  • Listening to music
  • Light therapy
  • Mental health and Nutrition: Fried foods, refined grains, and sugary products are associated with increased rates of major depression and anxiety disorders, A plant-based dietary pattern with no meat, fish, or eggs in a randomized, controlled trial showed a significant improvement in depression symptoms in just two weeks. Fruit and vegetable consumption has been associated with improvement in depression, anxiety, higher productivity, and higher optimism.
    A wonderful resource book to get started in this area is: The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living, by Amit Sood MD

5. How we sleep: Average sleep is 7 hours a day, but 20% adults sleep less than 6 hours. Short sleep duration has increased in all age groups. 60 million people in U.S. have frequent difficulty sleeping (but only 10% seek professional help)

  • Indirect costs of Insomnia: Presenteeism (people at work but not productive), Increased risk of long term disability, Mistakes, errors, and accidents
  • There is no recognized objective test for how much sleep a person needs
  • Healthy sleep duration and quality as well as circadian physiology promote improved health; Lower cortisol and glucose levels, greater insulin sensitivity, higher daytime leptin and reduced food-seeking behaviors, lower sympathetic tone, greater nighttime peripheral perfusion, increased stamina and faster cardiovascular recovery time.
    A Recommended Resource: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, PhD is a very good book resource on this topic.

6. Our Social Connections: A Harvard study concluded that our relationships matter! Our relationships and how happy we are in those relationships has a powerful influence on our health. Taking care of your body is important but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care also. Childhood nurturing plays a significant role in midlife thriving. Marital happiness and social connectedness moderate our health and happiness.

  • Social Networks: Being part of a social network improves longevity
  • Positive Psychology Interventions
    Counting our blessings everyday (e.g. thinking of three things you are thankful for)
    Expressing gratitude and appreciation (e.g. what challenges did you manage this week?)
    Savoring the pleasant things in life (e.g. taking five minutes a day to savor a particular activity)
    Writing down how we want to be remembered (I want people to remember me for…)
    Connecting and interacting with others regularly in person, not solely or mainly through social media (Belonging to family, social groups, sport groups, spiritual groups, etc.)
    Regularly practicing acts of kindness (how do you feel afterward?)
    Doing activities that feel meaningful (Reflect on what makes this activity meaningful)
    Thinking of one’s happiest days frequently (Look at photos and think about emotions experienced)
    A Recommended Resource:     Together by Vivek Murthy MD is one of the best reads on social connection.

If you have an interest in learning more about any of the above these six pillars of health, feel free to connect with me at cataniaross@msn.com. I am retired medical practitioner, and I do not charge to help you along on your journey toward improved health.

Wishing you the very best of health to you in 2025 and beyond,

By Charlie Ross DO, DipABLM. Certified Lifestyle Medicine Physician, Osteopathic Medical Practitioner. Website:  www.livelifestylemedicine.com

Oh, What A Sweet Girl!

Oh, What A Sweet Girl!

By Addison Townsend, age 16, Utah.

Oh, what a sweet girl. What an innocent, kind, happy girl.

I didn’t know of anything but the perfect life. School was perfect, my family was perfect, and even something as small as my fish was perfect. My life was filled with the joy of ignorance, where there was nothing wrong in the whole wide world. And, oh how happy I was when I looked in the mirror and saw only a body and not the calories from the apple I ate an hour ago. And how tragic it was when that apple mutated to a dark obsession, soon to take over my whole life.

Thin was the first-word people would use to describe me, and it never offended me. But, as I continued to age, there was an expectation forming. What would they think of me when I gained weight? How would they react when I wasn’t a bottomless pit of food anymore? When I was big?

What would I think when I was big?

I think the word ‘comparison’ should be changed to ‘that which is impossible to overcome’. Pictures of my face reminded me of chipmunks hoarding nuts for the winter, while I envied the girls with round and youthful faces, enhanced by their chubby cheeks. Lunch became a study session and dinner became an afterthought. I wanted to lose weight and I didn’t have much time for meals anyway so how easy it was when I stopped eating. And how addicting it was to see an inch off of my stomach. When you have the body people would die for, how could I not fall in love with my illness? Hunger became a friend, one I could rely on every day, every hour, every minute. When everyone else left, a twisting stomach was still there.

When they ask, “Are you going to eat all of that?” the translator in my head vomits it out as, “Go stick a toothbrush down your throat.” Eventually, the portion sizes became as small as nothing, but I could still look in the mirror and see more than a skeleton.

Long sleeves and layered clothing became a daily necessity. I was playing a game with my body, how long can you go without food and how well can you hide it? I didn’t mind the layers though, my body clenched and shivered without any insulation. But that’s okay, shivering means you’re winning. Those bruises on your spine and your hair falling out in clumps mean you’re winning. Passing out means you’re winning.

But nothing about my illness felt like winning.

My anorexia’s whispers became a deafening scream as the caloric calculator in my head lit up like a scoreboard at a basketball game. My stomach begged for more than water, but nothing felt better than how the cool water slipped down my throat and hit my stomach. My head pounded at me to wake up, but you can’t be hungry when you’re asleep. My teeth clenched for anything but the gum I had fed it for the last week, but gum was just so low in calories and mental unrest. Hallucinations of a younger Addy begged, why do you do this to yourself? My once-perfect life had managed to flip itself into a food-focused, dizzying black hole. My mindset went from me praising my anorexia, to me running from it like a killer ready to murder what little of me there was left. My diseased mind furied, like an ex who desperately wanted to get back together.

You know, there are perks of going to the hospital. The people are nice for the most part and the beds are adjustable, but my once secret friend became less of a secret and less of a friend. Bite by bite, my mind screamed at me, shrieking the most heart-wrenching and life-ruining things at me. They say, “I would die for a body like that,” I urge, “I am dying.” They say, “No. You’re an inspiration.”

Some days it’s easier to die than to take one more bite.

But some days, you remember why you’re still breathing, swallowing. Some days, you remember the sound of your violin, the way the orchestra comes alive as you close your eyes and peace fills your whole body. Some days, you remember what it’s like to hug your dog and to have him wiggle his booty as you come in the door, so excited to see you’re still fighting. Some days, you remember the joy of being able to kiss your girlfriend and that feeling of never wanting to let her go. Some days, you remember what it’s like to be happy.

Years later, I’m still re-learning that ice doesn’t count as dinner and the reflection in a passing window is not a measure of my worth. And even now, after years of recovery, I still cannot un-memorize the calories of a peppermint.

So, Anorexia, I wrote you a letter:

Dearest Anorexia,

I’m breaking up with you. And no, I’m not going to say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” because it was you. You stole five years of my life that I’ll never be able to get back. I wish I could say I loved you, but what we had was not love. Love is supposed to be beautiful and filling and satisfying, but you hollowed me out, turned me into an empty shell of a human. You taught me dependency is love, not desperation, and I believed you. It took me five whole years to realize food wasn’t the enemy, but it was the voice in my spinning head promising control, perfection. You built a shrine of my bones and diet pill bottles, forcing me to worship you.

So, Anorexia, you can loom over me and scar me and nip at my heels, but today I build an empire out of every word you used to destroy me. I tear down your temples made of my self-hatred and face you, saying, “Do your worst.” You whisper I’ll never be perfect, I say I know. You say I’m disgusting, I say I’m beautiful. You scream I’ll never be happy, I cry back, I already am.

By Addison Townsend, age 16, high school Junior, Utah. She adds: ” I wrote this narrative about my experience with disordered eating as I would like to create more of a space to talk about the struggles of Anorexia. For five years, Anorexia broke me and coming out the other side of recovery, it is incredibly important to me that I prevent this from happening to anyone in the future. This is the true reason I value publication and strive for attention from others.”